HUNTING FOR A WIFE, BUT A BIT OF NOOKIE WOULD DO
HUNTING FOR A WIFE, BUT A BIT OF NOOKIE WOULD DO
Some few months ago, as predicted by neighbors and friends when I embarked on my no smoking, no drugs etc campaign, I was given the boot by my girlfriend of some many years standing, with the crushing comment that I had turned into a bore, ohh girls can be so cruel.
I took it on the chin like a good little cowboy, took full responsibility for it too, I let her and her friends call me in the middle of the night to insult and threaten me without being rude or aggressive, like a good little modern man and looking bleakly at the talent offered by the community of Machadodorp I realized that I was truly alone.
So being fully connected to the international community of the ‘www’, I signed up with a dating agency, sent them my wedge and was established as a gold member of ‘Love 2 know U’ an organization that an old fat chum like I, had said he had had some success with. Thus was my handle ‘Grumpy_oldFart’ born in the ether. Well I did not want to have any of the hordes of panting horny young women waiting out there to be under any illusion that I was still the gorgeous young stud of yore.
I filled in all the strange questions that the site demanded, admitted that I liked Thai food and travel, who doesn’t? Down loaded a picture or two that were recent and did not show quite how old and fat I have become, considered optimistically of investing in a jumbo box of Viagra to deal with the afore mentioned panting hoard and started to chatter with women out there.
The first shock was just how many people there are trolling the web for friends and sex; in fact I hear that these dating sites have now overtaken porn as the biggest revenue earners on the web! There are every type of person imaginable, who all but all incidentally like Thai food and travel, what is it with Thai food that it has such a social cachet?
The second shock being how few it seemed are suitable for me!!!!
Nonetheless I proceeded to send off what I thought were witty and lucid letters to them and awaited the return of post with beating heart, and bated breath.
Soon enough the replies came through, the majority it seemed had:-
A. Found someone,
B. Were no longer members of the site,
C. Thought that I was a wanker,
D. Were living in the Ukraine or Russia
E. Or were younger than my daughter
So after 50 plus letters, and a lot of toil, I was without a single real possibility of a date and the reality of how far I am from all known society was no help.
This was making me feel very very old, depressed and frankly a bit sad, the actuality of my situation was being consistently brought home to me in a very direct and brutal manner as only women are able to do, I was snubbed and or ignored, or the women were illiterate, children, 100 years old or as big as a house, a larger collection of trailer trash and empty heads I had never encountered.
They all loved Thai food, were loving and faithful and fun etc. I was getting very depressed especially as I knew that there was no chance in hell of getting my money back.
Eventually a few ladies did crawled out of the undergrowth, and I did have one or two sensible and entertaining conversations but I am afraid that Grumpy_oldFart was no big score.
My first contact of any note was ‘Eponagirl’ a web designer and horse mad, seemed a match made in heaven, I needed my web page redone (do have a look at the new site at www.fiveassegais.co.za) and I have a farm tre suitable for gee gee’s and indeed we did chatter but sadly her service was to expensive for me and my farm was to distant for her to visit with her horses, we did manage to have a lunch but there was no magic, we could be chums but the reality of my living on the dark side of the moon was a big impediment. We continued to spasmodically send each other funnies but even that lapsed.
These dating sites are quite sophisticated and I suspect deeply affiliated with each other and when you sign with one the others soon enough find you to tempt you with their particular charms and differing angles on the sad business of isolation and loneliness, from Jewish friend finders to ‘IwantsexNOW’ services, the latter sending a woman to me who had posted a magnificent pair of pert breasts as her picture, very hopeful thought I and arranged to liaise with her, boy did I get a fright when this withered old witch with hungry eyes approached and being a coward of note I fled.
At this stage I was writing to several women around the world an Airhostess (very edgy and defensive) a number of very young women in the darker parts of the ex Soviet Union, I still have not worked out what their scam was, and oddly a lot of very young girls in England and the United States, but they were pretty much consistent in their inability to construct a sentence or even use spell check and I was finding that rather than being introduced to a lot of interesting people I was being reminded constantly that I was old, fat, and unavailable and the reality of my choices in life in respect to having a bit of fun was being forcefully and painfully made clear to me. This was not what I had had in mind at all.
My dream of endless streams of young girls washing up on my doorstep as promised by Love2knowU had been shattered on the harsh reality of life passing by, I even briefly considered going back to the old girl friend and begging her to return, we are talking desperation here, but more than that I was very concerned that I was not as concerned about this celibacy thing as I felt I should be, the truth is, that the juices are not flowing like they used to and I seem no longer to be desperate to earn the approbation of women, based on their beauty.
This must be what becoming an adult is all about, where the physical attributes of a woman are not considered the sign of infinite knowledge that I used to think they were.
So after much correspondences and letter writing, other than a meal in Middleburg with a very nice woman I had had absolutely no success at all, thank goodness I did not spend treasure on Viagra.
So it has been 3 months and my contract with Love 2 know U has expired and once again the thought of trying to find a good woman in Machadodorp faces me with its entirely bleak prospects, the worrying thing being that it would seem that this modern life with all the wonderful means of communication and inter reaction offered is in fact becoming the loneliest part of human history ever, thank the lord for my friends, dogs, goats, chicken and mumbies who make me the most popular fellow in the whole world wide world.
(If there are any women out there who want to sleep with me they are welcome to apply ☺, send correspondence to 18151@lando.co.za with a recent picture)
Which brings to mind the story of a fellow, who advertised in a Farmers magazine,
WANTED, WOMAN WITH TRACTOR, SEND PICTURE OF TRACTOR!!!
Some few months ago, as predicted by neighbors and friends when I embarked on my no smoking, no drugs etc campaign, I was given the boot by my girlfriend of some many years standing, with the crushing comment that I had turned into a bore, ohh girls can be so cruel.
I took it on the chin like a good little cowboy, took full responsibility for it too, I let her and her friends call me in the middle of the night to insult and threaten me without being rude or aggressive, like a good little modern man and looking bleakly at the talent offered by the community of Machadodorp I realized that I was truly alone.
So being fully connected to the international community of the ‘www’, I signed up with a dating agency, sent them my wedge and was established as a gold member of ‘Love 2 know U’ an organization that an old fat chum like I, had said he had had some success with. Thus was my handle ‘Grumpy_oldFart’ born in the ether. Well I did not want to have any of the hordes of panting horny young women waiting out there to be under any illusion that I was still the gorgeous young stud of yore.
I filled in all the strange questions that the site demanded, admitted that I liked Thai food and travel, who doesn’t? Down loaded a picture or two that were recent and did not show quite how old and fat I have become, considered optimistically of investing in a jumbo box of Viagra to deal with the afore mentioned panting hoard and started to chatter with women out there.
The first shock was just how many people there are trolling the web for friends and sex; in fact I hear that these dating sites have now overtaken porn as the biggest revenue earners on the web! There are every type of person imaginable, who all but all incidentally like Thai food and travel, what is it with Thai food that it has such a social cachet?
The second shock being how few it seemed are suitable for me!!!!
Nonetheless I proceeded to send off what I thought were witty and lucid letters to them and awaited the return of post with beating heart, and bated breath.
Soon enough the replies came through, the majority it seemed had:-
A. Found someone,
B. Were no longer members of the site,
C. Thought that I was a wanker,
D. Were living in the Ukraine or Russia
E. Or were younger than my daughter
So after 50 plus letters, and a lot of toil, I was without a single real possibility of a date and the reality of how far I am from all known society was no help.
This was making me feel very very old, depressed and frankly a bit sad, the actuality of my situation was being consistently brought home to me in a very direct and brutal manner as only women are able to do, I was snubbed and or ignored, or the women were illiterate, children, 100 years old or as big as a house, a larger collection of trailer trash and empty heads I had never encountered.
They all loved Thai food, were loving and faithful and fun etc. I was getting very depressed especially as I knew that there was no chance in hell of getting my money back.
Eventually a few ladies did crawled out of the undergrowth, and I did have one or two sensible and entertaining conversations but I am afraid that Grumpy_oldFart was no big score.
My first contact of any note was ‘Eponagirl’ a web designer and horse mad, seemed a match made in heaven, I needed my web page redone (do have a look at the new site at www.fiveassegais.co.za) and I have a farm tre suitable for gee gee’s and indeed we did chatter but sadly her service was to expensive for me and my farm was to distant for her to visit with her horses, we did manage to have a lunch but there was no magic, we could be chums but the reality of my living on the dark side of the moon was a big impediment. We continued to spasmodically send each other funnies but even that lapsed.
These dating sites are quite sophisticated and I suspect deeply affiliated with each other and when you sign with one the others soon enough find you to tempt you with their particular charms and differing angles on the sad business of isolation and loneliness, from Jewish friend finders to ‘IwantsexNOW’ services, the latter sending a woman to me who had posted a magnificent pair of pert breasts as her picture, very hopeful thought I and arranged to liaise with her, boy did I get a fright when this withered old witch with hungry eyes approached and being a coward of note I fled.
At this stage I was writing to several women around the world an Airhostess (very edgy and defensive) a number of very young women in the darker parts of the ex Soviet Union, I still have not worked out what their scam was, and oddly a lot of very young girls in England and the United States, but they were pretty much consistent in their inability to construct a sentence or even use spell check and I was finding that rather than being introduced to a lot of interesting people I was being reminded constantly that I was old, fat, and unavailable and the reality of my choices in life in respect to having a bit of fun was being forcefully and painfully made clear to me. This was not what I had had in mind at all.
My dream of endless streams of young girls washing up on my doorstep as promised by Love2knowU had been shattered on the harsh reality of life passing by, I even briefly considered going back to the old girl friend and begging her to return, we are talking desperation here, but more than that I was very concerned that I was not as concerned about this celibacy thing as I felt I should be, the truth is, that the juices are not flowing like they used to and I seem no longer to be desperate to earn the approbation of women, based on their beauty.
This must be what becoming an adult is all about, where the physical attributes of a woman are not considered the sign of infinite knowledge that I used to think they were.
So after much correspondences and letter writing, other than a meal in Middleburg with a very nice woman I had had absolutely no success at all, thank goodness I did not spend treasure on Viagra.
So it has been 3 months and my contract with Love 2 know U has expired and once again the thought of trying to find a good woman in Machadodorp faces me with its entirely bleak prospects, the worrying thing being that it would seem that this modern life with all the wonderful means of communication and inter reaction offered is in fact becoming the loneliest part of human history ever, thank the lord for my friends, dogs, goats, chicken and mumbies who make me the most popular fellow in the whole world wide world.
(If there are any women out there who want to sleep with me they are welcome to apply ☺, send correspondence to 18151@lando.co.za with a recent picture)
Which brings to mind the story of a fellow, who advertised in a Farmers magazine,
WANTED, WOMAN WITH TRACTOR, SEND PICTURE OF TRACTOR!!!
posted by Francis at 2:32 AM
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